The 90`s

"In Perspective"

Note: Written by Howard Barbanel Published on April 30, 1995

Get your front seats to the decline and fall of American Jewry.  Orchestra seats can be found in the demimonde of Jewish singles. A first-hand tour of these precincts should cause concern.

Intermarriage is running at around 52 percent -- a figure that masks a far deeper crisis, because secular Jews are opting out at 75 percent to 80 percent, with more observant Jews bringing down the average.  Virtually all Jewish singles have dates, are presently dating or have no objection to dating non-Jews. Dating non-Jews is incredibly easy. All you have to do is ask one out.

In synagogue a few weeks ago, my rabbi trenchantly observed that "everyone wants to marry Jews today except the Jews themselves."  Secular American society and the American Jewish march towards liberalism have converged successfully to make us all Americans with the same cultural reference points, styles and interests.  Unless you're religious or an ardent Zionist, there's no difference between you and the next person. 

The media is ride with examples of intermarriage and inter-dating.  There is never any shock, objection or indignation. Likewise this winced tolerance permeates the bulk of American Jewry on their own intra-familiar dalliances and marriages.  I'm O.K., you're O.K.

The most visible chink in our armor is the near total lack of respect for Jewish womanhood in the secular community.  The JAP stereotypes have transcended mere humor and are now deeply ingrained beliefs among Jewish men. Jewish men will, disgracefully, disparage Jewish women, publicly and with non-Jews.  If, say, Italian, Greek, Puerto Rico, Cuban or black women were repeatedly insulted either individually or collectively, you can be sure the males of those groups would not take it lightly.  But Jewish men just join right in. When Jews no longer respect Jewish women, by extension there is no respect for the institution or idea of the Jewish family and this leads to the destruction of Jewish society.

We live in a goyische medina -- a non-Jewish country.  There are millions upon millions of single, attractive and very nice non-Jews out there.  The cult of narcissism, inculcated by our mass media, has set-up for many Jewish men the Aryan ideal -- the Nebraska/Minnesota/California tall blonde blue-eyed look that many Jewish women, with or without Miss Clairol, can't physically duplicate.   Single, Jewish women, especially in college, date non-Jewish men heavily. This is carried on into the workplace. Many Jewish women I know actually brag about never dating Jewish men! Often, a Jewish ale is dated purely by accident, not with any plan in mind.  Non-Jews are often very nice to their Jewish partners, something that sadly can't be said between Jews. 

Go to any of the many Jewish singles parties (there is a whole industry devoted to assuaging Jewish loneliness) and you will see Jews looking their noses down on each other with disdain and condescension.  People barely talk to one another and proffer instantaneous judgments on prospective suitors in milliseconds. Smiling at one another is quite out of the question. It reminds me of the old Groucho Marx line, "I'd never belong to a club that would have someone like me as a member."

Ask many attending Jewish singles functions (even those run by major Jewish organizations) why they want to date or meet Jews? Most will be hard-pressed to give you any kind of coherent answer.  Ask why it would be important to marry a Jew, and you have the same befuddlement -- this from highly educated professionals.

A new twist: Non-Jews have been attending Jewish singles functions and advertising in the personal ads for Jews.  They do very well. Protracted singlehood is made possible by the belief in young marriage as completely uncool, careerism, materialism, impatience and the plethora of potential dates.  Dating in the 90's is a snap for most and most know there's always another phone number next week. In New York, this serial dating helps in great measure to keep the restaurant industry alive.

Intermarriage is no longer just the provence of the young.  Older Jews (40-plus) have increasingly been marrying non-Jews in their second or third marriages.  Some Reform Rabbis publicly date non-Jews prior to any conversion; Prominent captains of industry such as Henry Kravis and Ron Perelman marry-out as do media moguls like Larry King and Ted Koppel.  Many older people are following their children's example.